The Legend of Abu Nomaan

My brother-in-law spent the last 10 days of last Ramadan making i’tikaf in a local mosque, which we will call for purposes of this post the Islamic Center of Abu Nomaan (I CAN).  There he stood witness to the incredible spectacle of the most prolific worshiper most of us have ever seen:  Abu Nomaan. 

Abu Nomaan is well known in our community.  He leads Tahajjud at I CAN every night during every Ramadan. He takes off from work every year for the entire month and spends all of his time within the confines of I CAN reading, contemplating, worshiping, and organizing and leading prayers.  God bless Abu Nomaan for his efforts.

While Abu Nomaan is there for the whole month, most people who choose to make i’tikaf in Ramadan do so only during the last 10 days.  My brother-in-law was one of those people.  During those 10 days, my brother-in-law swears that he never saw Abu Nomaan sleep—not once.  It was then that my brother-in-law coined the phrase “Qiyam ul-Day,” to describe the prayers Abu Nomaan would perform alone during the day, when the rest of the world was attending to its business and the rest of the people in the mosque were sleeping.  From there, the legend of Abu Nomaan began to grow.  Here now, for your enjoyment, are some descriptions of the Legend of Abu Nomaan.  I am sure you know an "Abu Nomaan" or two in your own community, so feel free to share in the comments your descriptions of the Abu Nomaans in your life.  Periodically, the best suggestions in the comments will be added to the main list.

(Notes: Abu Nomaan is purely a fictional character.  Any actual or perceived resemblance to a real person is entirely coincidental.  Also, not all of these are mine, so I can’t take full credit for them.  If you want to participate, please avoid the heretical.  During my own censoring process I decided to delete some really funny descriptions that may have crossed the line, so please consider carefully before posting.  Otherwise, enjoy!)

Abu Nomaan’s beard knows more Quran than you do.

Abu Nomaan only needs to make one Tawaaf.

P90X is the secular version of what it’s like to pray behind Abu Nomaan.

Abu Nomaan doesn’t need to throw Jamarat; he just stares at it.

Abu Nomaan’s baby picture:  

Gas will not leave Abu Nomaan’s body because it fears breaking his wudu.

Abu Nomaan’s fast is unbreakable.

Actually, Abu Nomaan doesn’t fast; he fastests.

Abu Nomaan is praying Tahajjud right now.

Chuck Norris has a poster of Abu Nomaan above his bed.

That’s not a chin under Abu Nomaan’s beard; it’s Chuck Norris.

“Nomaan,” in Aramaic, means “The Entire Universe.”

Abu Nomaan can give a Khatira with one audible breath.

Abu Nomaan knows more Quran than there is.

Abu Nomaan’s beard is a hafiz.

Abu Nomaan missed Maghrib once because he was still praying Fajr.

Abu Nomaan’s beard leads Witr when Abu Nomaan is still praying Qiyam.

Abu Nomaan single-handedly defeated the Soviet Union... wait, that one may actually be true.

One time, Abu Nomaan wasn’t praying.  Then he was born.

Abu Nomaan’s vegetables are zabiha.

Abu Nomaan has to burn his clothes when they get old.

Abu Nomaan can perform Hajj in Ramadan.

Abu Nomaan’s real name is “Fa3el Khair.”  He only uses that name at fundraisers.

Abu Nomaan takes moral stands shoulder to shoulder and foot to foot.

Abu Nomaan can pray jamaa’ah by himself.

Abu Nomaan missed the parts of that hadith after 50 prayers a day.

Calvin Klein wants to bottle Abu Nomaan’s Ramadan breath.

Abu Nomaan learned English from Abdullah Yusuf Ali.  Now he doth speaketh English better than thou.

Abu Nomaan’s house is built on the Pillars of Islam.

The Devil seeks refuge in Allah from Abu Nomaan.

Tim Tebow “Abu Nomaans” when he is alone.

Abu Nomaan reads nine languages... with Tajweed. 

Abu Nomaan didn't climb Arafat.  Arafat crawled underneath him. 

Abu Nomaan sneezes the Shahadah.

Sheikh Qaradawi is Abu Nomaan's evil twin.

The voices in Abu Nomaan's head are all Muezzins.

Abu Nomaan's Nafs is better than him.

Abu Nomaan already read the Quran twice next Ramadan.

Abu Nomaan doesn't fast on the Day of Arafat to get the ajr of two years of fasting, because that would be cheating.

Abu Nomaan's parents have never heard the words "uffin" or "tanharhumaa."

"Aw liyasmit" never applies to Abu Nomaan.

When Yoda talked about the force, he was talking about Abu Nomaan.

Abu Nomaan thinks using a toothbrush is mis-WACK.

Cadillac is the Abu Nomaan of cars.

Everyday is Jumu'ah for Abu Nomaan.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Thank you, thank you.  I'll be here through Wednesday.  Don't forget to tip your waitress.  Drive home safely.

One of these days, I'll get back to doing what I intended to do with this blog, God willing.  All I know is this: Abu Nomaan wouldn't be this lazy.